Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
