I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
