non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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