yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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