I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
