he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
