it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think I just sharted jello shots
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