would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
