Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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