is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Never underestimate the power of titties
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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