Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
