You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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