If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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