I didn't shave. On purpose
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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