Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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