doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
