does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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