We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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