I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
