He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
