Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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