maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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