I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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