That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
