If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
