I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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