I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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