Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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