there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
