it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
