1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
