feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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