Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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