Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
