Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
