Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize