This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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