Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
