bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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