you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
