Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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