I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
