I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
