I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
