I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
