The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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