good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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