All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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