i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize