I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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