The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
