The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
