So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize