I could make wine with my vomit
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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