Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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