I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
