New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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