Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
