Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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